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Here’s the thing I called “love”. I know you know what love is, right? Well, I have a different kind of definition of love. Love is a myth. It really doesn’t exist. It’s true that it is a crazy feeling that will make you do ridiculous things that you’ve never thought doing. Love is not an option for me right now, don’t even want it. You may think that I’m just scared of falling in love again because of my previous posts, or the past relationship I had. I think that’s true too. Haha. I was being told not to close doors for love, and not all guys are the same as I think they’re are. Same thing over and over again. It’s exhausting! Can I just live in one peace? You know, like spending my time just for myself, not thinking of another guy, not feeling that butterflies. Lifeless and boring, I know. But I think this is the best way of getting out of the trauma.
So, let’s have a one-on-one interview about myself. Call me narcissistic, but this is my blog. I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Reader VS Writer?… Hmm, I win! You can close it anytime, nobody’s stopping you. :)
1. After the past relationship you’ve had, are you ready to fall for another?
- I really don’t think I can fall for another right now. Like I said before, I think I have to rest for a while. You know, focus on my priorities, just think of only myself and not involving love.
2. After your break up w/ Rap, is there someone who’s making a move or flirting with you?
- Yeah, there are guys who I flirted & still flirting with. Hmm, rebound? Maybe. But we’re not committed, so I think it’s out of the picture. Yes, you heard me right. GUYS. So I’m currently flirting with not just one guy. Sweet talks. But there’s this guy who’s way beyond flirting.
3. How did you met him?
- Whoa. This is the tough one. Well, we’ve met in an online game. So, there’s a little possibility that the relationship is serious. At first, I’m not looking for a relationship. I was only playing that game again just to forget Rap. Anyway, when I’ve met him, I didn’t actually thought that it’ll be this way. I mean, he’s a douche. But I never thought that he could this be sweet and caring. And I’m attracted to his good looks, plus his standards in the real world. We have a relationship in the game, but in reality, it’s kind of a “no strings attached” situation.
4. Why can’t you just have a relationship with that guy? Why does it have to be “no strings attached”?
-Well, I’m currently a magnet for complicated relationships. Hahaha. I’m just laughing at it, but it’s true. It sucks, but it’s true. Uhm, he has a girlfriend right now, told me that they’ve been together for a long time. A womanizer? Hmm, I don’t know. But when I asked him why is he doing this, he didn’t know either. Then I concluded to his situation: “You’re lonely. Ganyan ka kasi, may pagkukulang ang babae. At yung pagkukulang na yun ay nakikita mo sa akin. That’s why you’re craving for my affection. I could leave you right now or vice versa. Pero sabi mo sa akin, madali akong iwan. Pero may something sakin na hindi mo maiwan. You said mahal mo yung babae kaya di mo maiwan. I’m not making you choose, cause I already know the answer. I’ll just make the decision for you.” I told him that, then at first he’s letting me go. But then he’s making a move for me to stay. He’s not really letting me go. I wanted to totally forget him. You know, move on. But instead, right now, I’m stuck.
5. Do you love him? The new guy?
- Hahaha. I honestly don’t know the answer. I think I’ll might though. But right now, he’s becoming important and becoming part of my everyday routine. WTF. I think getting there? I’m trying my best to control my feelings. But when we’re together, I can’t help it. Like yesterday, when had our date. It was the first time that we’ve kissed. As in the real kiss. Kissing is not a really big deal for me. But I have this feeling that I’m really on my way of getting struck by love again! >.< Kissing constantly. OMG. Heaven. But then again, it’s hard to keep up with the situation.
6. You’re going to keep with this? I mean, you’re just letting him do that to you? Even though you know for the fact that you’ll end up crying and getting hurt.
- I don’t know. All I can say is that I’m tired. I’m frustrated with what I feel right now and I can’t find a way to get out of it. Everyday’s a suspense. I mean, I’m terrified of him leaving me first. I think I’m just pretending not to care, pretending that I’m not serious. Well, I’m controlling my affection. I just want to rest. Get out from all the complications of love and flirts. Actually, he already asked same question. I told him “I’m happy being with you. And I know you feel the same way cause you’re making me stay. Let’s just enjoy whatever this is. Pag may gulo, I’ll leave without any word, without any hesitations.” But I don’t think I can’t do this anymore. I’m slowly experiencing the pain, every heart beat’s a heart ache. Like yesterday, we’re together then his girlfriend called. I don’t know what to do. I was pissed off, mad & hurt. He knows what I felt that time, that’s why he cuddled me, that made the irritation fade a little. But I still having flashbacks of him talking to the phone with his girlfriend. The feeling sucks. Shit.
7. What are you going to do now?
- I think I have to save myself here. I’m leaving w/o any word. Without letting him know that I’m leaving. I can’t tell him. He won’t let me. I have two things in mind: 1. I’m doing the right thing. 2. I think I made enough gestures to make him choose. Maybe leaving is the way of making him realize what is like to not to have me always being there for him. And leaving all of a sudden is the best way to make him feel that. I think I have quit the game, but I can’t. I build friendships there, I can’t just leave them. But I don’t think I have a choice. Selfish and cruel maybe. But what else do I have to do?
*Hey, still there? Do you think I’m doing the right thing? Feel free to answer my question. I’m willing to accept advices, not judgments. And I’ll appreciate all your concerns. Just send me a message in facebook. :)
http://www.facebook.com/pamelathereseanolin
Thanks for reading my post :D
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I think right now, I’m scared of falling in love again. Or the believing the idea of it. Actually, I wanted to havea serious and happy relationship. I do. But I’m scared of falling for the wrong person again. Maybe that’s the way of growing up and learning from th experience. I have this kind if magnet thing that attracts complicated relationship, which results to me having flings which may lead to something serious, then I chicken out and leave all of a sudden. I’m just preventing myself to get hurt. I suck at pretending and controlling what I really feel. Maybe that’s why I’m transparent
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Okay. Even though I’m having a fuckin migraine right now, over-thinking about things maybe. I just want to clear my head and think straight. Its 3:30pm, I still have 2 and a half hrs left to decide.
I know I’ve gone through a lot lately, but I have to do something already.
I want to quit. But I cant.
So here’s what I’m gonna do:
1. fix my basketball schedule. - decide.
2. then decide if i still want to do this or not.
I know I can do this. All I need is a little bit of encouragement and appreciation. I know that I’m not always right, but I still have something to say. Shit. I think I’m loosing my mind right now. My head’s constantly pumping through pain. No peace of mind. :’((
God, what now? I need you. Show me the light, guide me towards your will and lead me to the right path. I love you. Ikaw na po bahala saken. :(
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Hi baby I know that you may think that this is just my ordinary post about you, but its not. This one’s special because this is published to public unlike my other posts which private So, I just want you to play along, K? Just read this
Well, it’s been almost a year, right? So, I’ve never thought that this will last long, but it did.
Actually, words aren’t enough to tell you what exactly I really feel. But all I can do is show you, make you see, feel and believe it. If you wanted me to. I’ve never thought that I would do this for a guy, or even become this happy and lonely at the same time. Well, I guess you cant help it when the heart’s happy, you won’t know how far you’ll go when you got strucked by love, right?
I don’t want this post to be melodramatic, So I’m giving you reasons why I love you
1. You’re mature (I’ve dated some childish jerks before, and I think you’re not one of them )
2. You care about me (Well, you’re the only person who REALLY cared about me. I’m saying this because, you’re there, always telling me that I can do it, even though other people telling me that I can’t. You know, I can take all those discouragements from them, but not from you.)
3. You’re understanding (You can keep up with all my stresses, stubborness and demands. And yet, you’re still there, not giving up
4. You’re a family-guy (I love how you value your family and make it as your top priority, that makes you a MAN, not a boy)
5. You make me laugh (You have these weird sense of humor that I always love. You never fail to keep a smile on my face. I can stand some of your corny jokes, and yet, I still laugh at them)
6. You’re cheezy pick-up lines (BOY PICK UP! Hahaha ) Your make-up pick up lines, even though sometimes I heard it already, or ‘waley’ always gives me the butterflies. Cheezy and corny, but I still love it)
7. You’re surprise kisses (When we have this dull moments, then you suddenly kiss me, you don’t know how you make me feel loved and happy when you do that)
8. Accepting the real me, whatever my size is or how ugly or pretty I am (This one’s the big deal, I love it when you tell me that I shouldn’t go for a diet, and telling me that I’m pretty, when I feel unattractive. Also, accepting the fact that I’m loud, sometimes it’s nakakahiya na. :))
9. You’re efforts (Even though we don’t see each other that much, you’re doing your best to make an effort in our relationship, like finding a way to communicate with me.. I appreciate it)
10. How you hold my hand (How you hold my hand first, and wouldn’t let it go)
11. You’re height (Who wouldn’t fall for a 6 footer? I mean, I can wear 5” heels, without getting feedbacks from someone that we don’t look like a couple. Haha ) but seriously, you make me feel secure)
12. You’re eyes (Those bad-boy-eyes always does the kill. Haha. ) I don’t know, something about it that’s so deep, I could stare at it for a long time, that I could tell if you’re telling the truth)
13. You’re mysterious (I cannot read you. I mean, I can read most of the guys, but you… Nothing. It’s kind of a good thing though, giving a thrill to the relationship, I like surprises, so, surprise me! (IN A GOOD WAY!)
14. Being alcoholic (Hahaha. Maybe that’s why we clicked. We have the same choice of alcohol, and I’m looking forward to have that 1 on 1 challenge with you :)
15. You being athletic (Every girl loves a jock. Manly)
16. Being a nerd about computers and stuff (Weird. Haha. Atleast I have someone to ask to when I don’t know what to do w/ computers. LOL :)))
17. You’re humble (Although sometimes feelingero ka, you’re still humble, atleast you’re not too much proud of yourself)
18. Hindi ka ma’pride (di ko ma’english eh ) (When I tell you I’m sorry, you also point out your mistake instead of blaming me for everything)
19. When you text me good morning/ good night and telling me where you at or where you’re going to (When you tell me ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’, makes me feel that I’m the one you wanted to talk to in the morning and before you sleep. Makes me feel that I’m always on your mind Also, when you’re telling me where you at and where you’re going to, making a part of your life, simple things like telling me how your day was makes me happy. it’s like sharing your everyday life with me)
20. How you touch and hug me. (I love it when you touch me, and hugging me especially when we meet up, feels like I’m melting, or maybe it’s just the butterflies. But either way, I still want it.)
I’m sure there are many more, but that’s all that I can think of right now. I know that I’m sweet to you everyday, but I want to tell you something different. So here it goes: You made me believe that true love exist. You made me feel that I’m important. You give me the encouragement when I needed it most, you’re there when I feel lonely and all those shitty situations. I never thought that I could be this happy, contented and feel so completely loved by someone. You may think that I’m exaggerating this, but I’m not. I’m telling you what’s really inside, the way I feel about you.
I’m not concluding things that this might be for real. I just wanted to say that I think this is just the beginning of our beautiful love story. I’m not planning our future, but when I’m planning mine, I can’t help myself including you in it. I didn’t plan to fall for you, or ask for this kind of relationship. But the truth is, I’d rather have this complicated relationship with you than have the perfect relationship with the perfect guy.
I’m ready to disregard or fight for what other people will say. They don’t matter. i can keep up with the trials and whatever time and fate will challenge us. As long as I have you at my side, I will fight all those battles with you.
I asked God for someone special who can keep up with all my negative sides and accept the real me, and I think I just found the guy. It may seem the wrong time, but I think it’s the perfect time to meet you. And I think, he gave me more than what I’ve asked for. Every night, I pray to God that about us. I wish our relationship will last long, give us the strength to keep our relationship strong and make us legal on both sides.
I love you baby. I won’t give up on us. I’m sorry if I’m being naive, stubborn and of being a burden to you. I don’t want to put pressure on you, but when I’m being doubtful, its just that I miss you so much, and I needed your attention. I know you’re asking for some space right now, but I just can’t stand the fact that we’re speaking to each other, acting like we’re completely strangers, like nothing happened. So, I’m sorry baby. Let’s start over? :/
